In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken
to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can
learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently
based on the ludicrous assumption that men know how to fix
things, when in fact all they know how to do is look at things in a
certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop;
eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a
job requiring them to transfer to another home.
Dave Barry

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these
toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea
of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them
a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. So,
for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a
big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
Dave Barry

Most married couples, even though they love each other very much
in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw
colonies, the result being that they get on each other's nerves and
regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such
issues as toaster settings. -- Dave Barry These childhood memories
- I have them often, but can usually keep them under control with the
use of drugs.
Dave Barry

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless
you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Dave Barry